It is amazing, and somewhat sad, that it takes so long to figure some things out. I'm 56 years old and am just now seeing some very disturbing things about myself. This reflection began while reading a book about Hitler by Toland in which Toland quoted another historian as saying that Hitler was mystic, a person led not so much by outward circumstances as by inner impulses. I began to see that this was probably an accurate way of describing my own life's journey. I was always led my impulses which in time became obsessions which often resulted in changes of course. I left the university after three years to attend another college, only to return to the university for one quarter before quitting and joining the Air Force. While playing in the Air Force band I felt the "call to preach" and turned my life toward ministry. The result was that after the Air Force I returned to school, finished and entered seminary. I quit after two years and began a rural pastorate which lasted for one year. Without recounting all my decisions, which finally resulted in my earning a PhD, it is revealing that in the first twelve years of marriage my wife and I moved twelve times. Each time I thought I was being led by the Lord. Looking back with some objectivity I must now question my sense of God's leadership. I was being led, but was it from above or from within? I recall that a former pastor once said that I was unstable. Perhaps he was right. I am now at a point in which I am uncertain of any decision I might make. I have lived a life following dreams and impulses and now find myself with a PhD working in a warehouse. I don't have all the answers to my questions but only hope that the Lord might work with me in a way that might prove useful to his kingdom, even after wandering 30 years in apparent darkness. I am thankful through all his that I have been blessed with a faithful wife, three wonderful kids, a great son-in-law, a terrific daughter-in-law and four beautiful grandchildren. All are greatly undeserved.
posted by bill rosser @ 5:43 PM
17 Comments:
Dad, that truly IS part of the amazing thing about God's love...we have been blessed with SO much though we are SO undeserving. And I would encourage you to stay hopeful - it is NEVER too late for God to use you! Sometimes I have been very surprised that the Lord would choose to use me, but amazingly enough God uses the weak things of this world (us) to show His holiness and His perfect glory. He came for the lost and the sick...that's us!
Love,
Candace
Mr brother, God is using you! Oh, my friend, rejoice for God is using you!
If you honestly survey the visible effects of Jesus' ministry in this world you find that the effects of His ministry are really negligible. Did He fail? I don't think so. I believe Christ came, not so much to change the world, but to change us. One day Christ will overcome (not change) the world.
Jesus' real victory, I believe, is not measured by our effects on the world but by Christ's effect in us.
You magnify the work of Jesus more than you will ever know this side of eternity.
I very much appreciate both comments.
Your blog literally made me cry...the beginning of my finding more of God was when I realized I wasn't perfect, didn't have all the answers, and while admitting I was afraid, told God I was desperate for HIM...I just wanted it to be real! Well, He has come to me in new and amazing ways. I will pray He will do the same for you. Gail
There are numbers of perspectives from which you might view your story. I don't know if any of these fit, but for the record your story doesn't bring me to tears.
Chaplain assistant Fred Dunbar habitually thanked the Lord for saving us from seen and unseen dangers (in his public prayers).
John Bunyan believed that God had ordained many to serve His church, giving them gifts for preaching and gathering the church---yet these servants of God were not necessarily children of God. Children of God comprize a distinct category before God---and these are always being tested and corrected.
I expect heaven to be teeming with all sorts of activity, endeavors and projects. Perhaps this world really is the training ground for the next one.
Eight times I have been severed from employments---and I really can't look back and see how I could have prevented this. Even if you had been more mature, less inner directed, etc. you could still have ended up with a Ph.D. working in a warehouse! In a post-Christian era is it realistic to expect the most qualified to rise to the top? I joke that I was sorry enough to rise to Major in the NG, but not sorry enough to rise any higher!
When Choi of lower Mongolia lost his prize stallion, the neigbors in his village sad, "That's bad." Choi said, "Maybe?" When the stallion came come leading a herd of wild fillies, mares and colts, the neighbors said, "That's good," and Choi said "Maybe?" When Choi's only son broke his leg breaking the wild horses the neighbors said, "That's bad." Choi said, "Maybe?" A war lord came to the village and conscripted all the able bodied young men who rode off with him and were never seen again! We aren't the author of our story so we really aren't in a position to understand what is being written---and this is a fallacy implicit in personal testimonies.
Gee, no tears? Thanks for the insights, especially the last story. Not sure about Bunyan's distinctives but it's interesting to consider. I'm certainly not writing to elicit sympathy; far from it. Surely it never hurts, however, to seek understanding from the Author, knowing however that we shall in this life always see through a glass darkly.
i like richard's story. I say it's a good reminder, that God's ways aren't our ways and our knowledge is very limited, but then I would go further to say it's not only a good reminder but 'essential' that we believe in God's work that we don't see. All we know of God is under trust, faith. Perhaps one prays for the desire to be intimant with God but then prays more for trust and faith. that is my struggle, for faith.
david r.
I don't think faith is constant, because we are not constant. There is an ebb and flow to it in me. And sometimes the period of difficult faith, or maybe even unfaith, can last for a considerable length of time. Perhaps the struggle for faith is an evidence of faith itself.
So what have you figured out? This is not meant to be a harsh or frivilous question, but only an observation that things seldom turn out as we expect or even desire. Had you ended up pastoring a megachurch, that would not mean that your life was any more (or less for that matter) a success. We can't always judge by the results whether we have 'followed God's will,' and, although a 'phd in a warehouse' may seem underachieving by the world's standards, I do not believe it is indicative either way of spirituality or a lack thereof.
What I have figured out is that I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life, some of which I will not mention publicly. I have figured out that "being led of the Lord" is always subject to review and one should be more accepting of other persons' opinions and advice. Accountability to someone or some group is more important than I once thought. I now refuse to believe that it was God's will for me and my wife and family to move twelve times in the first twelve years of our marriage. I was arrogant, led by inner impulses of grandiosity, waiting for my big moment on God's stage. I hurt a lot of people, not simply in my obvious sins, but in wearing my mantle of prophetic religiosity. You're right that being in a warehouse is not indicative per se of my spirituality or lack of it; Paul,in prison, was in God's will. And perhaps I am now where God wants me; and I may now be more "spiritual" than ever. But I am there also because of the choices I have made, many of which were made under religious delusion. God is merciful, and one can never delineate with absolute neatness or precision the distinction between what is our will and what is God's. He provides and leads in and through our own individual consciousness. I believe Romans 8:28 and am thankful for that hope. But I must also accept responsibility for my actions, choices, and attitudes which have led me to my current situation.
I tend not to be as biblical in my responses.....and I know I've said this before...but you and mom should have a great sense of success/accomplishment in what you've done with us kids....at least in my opinion. You're not perfect but neither are your kids. I'm certainly not. But I'm doing more than ok. When it comes to jobs and money and careers...I've noticed that people that seem to have it all have their own set of problems. Sounds cliche but I think there is some truth to it. To expose myself, I took a risk a few years ago on my current job and it's worked out great. BUT it never seems to be enough. There's always something lacking or missing and it always seems to turn out to be a "job". I guess what I'm trying to get at is what you do from 8 to 5 doesn't determine who you are. I feel as if I sound like Dr. Phil and I personally don't feel like I have anything figured out. Hopefully there was a decent message in there somewhere!!
Perhaps Dr. Phil could learn from you. I'm trying to learn that my 8 to 5 is not determinative of my value but it's a hard lesson. Perhaps it's one I've needed to learn. Contentment is a great virtue and one I've yet to cultivate fully. You've written some wonderful words and they also apply to you, never forget. I'm so thankful and proud of each of our three children, and your responses are a great encouragement to me, especially in my darker moments. Thanks for sharing your heart.
I certainly haven't figured out contentment. I don't think I fully expect to have it figured out at this point but it would be nice. I think it's a combination of several different things. I'm not positive what each of those are but I don't think it's just one thing.
I just remember Paul's comment: "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself." Like you, I have yet to master the concept. Some would consider contentment a lack of ambition. Others will often say, "You could be doing so much more." Somehow we have to listen to the inner voice (God's Spirit?)without completely discounting what others may advise. And it's not easy to distinguish beween what God is saying, what I am saying, and what others are saying. Ultimately, it seems to me, contentment must be based on something other than position, accomplishment, or possessions. My struggle is knowing that I have talents and gifts being unused at present. My belief is that the Lord will prove sovereign in either allowing me to use them or not, according to his will. In the mean time I will continue to seek contentment in my current circumstances.
Dad...I still brag about your preaching skills and piano skills to this day. So my response would be that your talents and gifts have gone to great use. In fact....I'm thinking of shopping for a keyboard of some sort. I would much rather a traditional piano but my apartment won't allow for that. I need to find something I enjoy besides going out with friends and I think if I put some effort into it I could become a decent piano player.
Interesting comment! Didn't know you had any musical thoughts. You could certainly do it if you put your mind and heart into it. You'd need to find a teacher and then commit yourself to the boring basics of learning. Also glad to hear you're trying to expand your interests; good sign, I think. Look forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks.
Boy, contentment is a biggee! Although I read your blog regularly, I have never felt like I had anything to say until now. Contentment is something that we all work at, but I think we are looking for it in all the wrong places. I have this wonderful quote by Martin Luther on my computer at work: "Next to faith this is the highest art -- to be content with the calling in which God has placed you." We spent the first 30 years of our marriage always looking to what was "next". After school we'll be doing better, after the PhD, when we move, or when we get this or that, or make more money. Our contentment was always just around the corner - and before you know it the corner has been 30 years long and we still have not found contentment. I don't think that God will give me anything else until I learn to be content in Him, where he has put me for this time in my life. I read something the other day that talked about our circumstances: if only my circumstances were different I would be different or better. NO - my circumstances are what tells me all about myself, and I need to figure out who I am in my current circumstances and be content right here and right now. I may not have tomorrow, and I don't believe that God is going to give me anything different or better until I prove that I can honor him right where I am now. That is my goal - to be content with my life just exactly as it is right now - because that is what Paul talks about - being content in whatever circumstances I find myself. It sure "ain't easy", I don't mean that it is. It is not anything that I can do on my own. I can only do it with God's grace and God's help. Without Him I am nothing. Without Him I can do nothing. Without Him I could never be content. I think it is all about Him, and I am still trying to figure all that out myself - and I think that search is a lifelong thing. linda
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