The turn to a more personal aspect of writing in recent blogs was not intentional. From the first I intended that the blog not be about me. But, of course, any writing is as much about the author as it is about the subject being addressed. It is embarrassing in some ways to write about oneself but I have purposed from the beginning to write "as the Lord leads;" and if it means at this time revealing further my inner wanderings and discoveries then I can only hope and even believe that there is a greater purpose being served, either toward the furtherance of my own healing or in the lives of others.

In reading Nouwen, especially, I am discovering that much of my life has been lived in selfishness. It is a sad commentary on my life that after almost 30 years in ministerial training and service I am only now coming to this conclusion. I cannot blame it on the evangelicals. I'm certain I heard enough good sermons and preached enough good ones myself to have been convicted long before now of my inherent selfishness.

What I am discovering with greater depth than before is the mystery of evil. If I were to offer a challenge to evangelicals in particular it would be to gain a greater appreciation (the word seems ironic here) for the scope, depth, and mystery of evil. "The heart is deceitful above all things; who can know it?" Often we are encouraged to forsake known sins; and this should be done whenever they become known. But what about the unknown? The inner forces that drive us? The unrecognized longings that control us?

As Luther discovered, just to confess what is known would take every moment of every day and still would not be sufficient because even the motive for confessing is tainted with unknown sin. The answer lies, not with simplistic propositional prayers of confession, but with the awareness that comes with true faith that only in the mystery of God's grace can we live in hope with the mystery of evil. My repentance is never complete and my confession is never perfect; only if my repentance and confession has been generated by the Spirit of God is it acceptable to God, and then not because of its completeness but because of God's desire to cleanse and forgive.

Even with the discovery of my selfishness it is very possible for me to turn the discovery itself to selfish ends. If God has revealed to me at this point the further depths of my own sinfulness then my hope and prayer is that he will use what is revealed to me to make me further into his image. Any other unknown selfish motives I may have I can only offer to God in the blood of Christ with thanksgiving.

Evangelicals preach a great deal about sin. But, much like the Pharisees in Jesus' day, it too often refers to outward acts. The result of such preaching is the glossing over of the real sinful problem within with religious language. Even with the greatest of intentions such preaching leads to the emergence of "whitewashed sepulchers" within the community. Bonhoeffer, of course, called it "cheap grace." Such preaching does not reach or expose our real sin problem; it covers it. Evangelical arrogance, and a host of other visible sins, results.