It is amazing, and somewhat sad, that it takes so long to figure some things out. I'm 56 years old and am just now seeing some very disturbing things about myself. This reflection began while reading a book about Hitler by Toland in which Toland quoted another historian as saying that Hitler was mystic, a person led not so much by outward circumstances as by inner impulses. I began to see that this was probably an accurate way of describing my own life's journey. I was always led my impulses which in time became obsessions which often resulted in changes of course. I left the university after three years to attend another college, only to return to the university for one quarter before quitting and joining the Air Force. While playing in the Air Force band I felt the "call to preach" and turned my life toward ministry. The result was that after the Air Force I returned to school, finished and entered seminary. I quit after two years and began a rural pastorate which lasted for one year. Without recounting all my decisions, which finally resulted in my earning a PhD, it is revealing that in the first twelve years of marriage my wife and I moved twelve times. Each time I thought I was being led by the Lord. Looking back with some objectivity I must now question my sense of God's leadership. I was being led, but was it from above or from within? I recall that a former pastor once said that I was unstable. Perhaps he was right. I am now at a point in which I am uncertain of any decision I might make. I have lived a life following dreams and impulses and now find myself with a PhD working in a warehouse. I don't have all the answers to my questions but only hope that the Lord might work with me in a way that might prove useful to his kingdom, even after wandering 30 years in apparent darkness. I am thankful through all his that I have been blessed with a faithful wife, three wonderful kids, a great son-in-law, a terrific daughter-in-law and four beautiful grandchildren. All are greatly undeserved.