Perhaps the time is overdue for me to add to my blog. I can only say that since my last blog I have continued to struggle with God and with his will for my life. It's almost as if I am determined to fight him every step of the way, yet hoping and praying and believing all along that he will be triumphant in my life. Laying down one's life to God must be an active and heroic undertaking, not simply an acquiescence. I have laid down my life to him countless times, only to pick it up again. This time I want to be fully conquered. Perhaps the story of Jacob wrestling with the angel is enlightening at this point. Jacob wrestled, only to lose, yet in losing he won; but in winning he carried the scar (limpness) of the battle his entire life as a reminder. The wrestling match had its purpose. If I surrender in my own power and volition then I basically retain the upper hand; i.e., I remain God to myself. If I oppose the hand of God with all my strength only to succumb then God remains God. I want the surrender to God to cost me my life.